iPhone Appnopotomous Appnophobia
iPhone Appnopotomous Appnophobia
By Robert McMillen- Koin’s Tech Guru
By the time you’re done reading this, another two iPhone applications will be born while one will die. iPhone apps are growing out of control. Most business analysts fear that they will jump species and you will soon see the apps on Blackberry and Android phones. If they don’t stop there they may also infect non- “smart phones”. (These are also referred to as “phones for dummies”.)
Last night I dreamt I was driving down a snowy road in Portland (something Bruce Sussman would never let happen, I’m sure), and I saw the iPhone light saber and calorie counter trying to thumb a ride. I swear the car took control away from me, pulled over and opened the door for them. For the next three miles I had to promise I would not eat any holiday cookies or I would “get it” from Darth.
Here are some of the more outrageous and absolutely true iPhone apps you can download:
For $.99 you can buy “MooBox”. This app shows various farm animals. When you tip the phone the animal makes the same sound they make in real life. (It is rumored it also puffs out a little animal smell at the same time, but we don’t believe it.)
And speaking of smells, one app that died on the vine was the fart app called “pull my finger”. Although Apple saw the sense of humor it took to have your iPhone sound like its passing gas, they bowed to the ultra right by denying this genius app that could have made your Christmas party a little less boring. You can read what Apple said about it here if you don’t believe me: http://news.softpedia.com/news/Apple-Rejects-Funny-iPhone-App-93040.shtml
Sapus Toungue is a game that allows you to use the motion feature in the iPhone to fling a frog or a monkey as far as possible. So far PETA hasn’t stopped playing the game long enough to protest.
Steve Wiseman (no kidding on the name) invented an app that turns his Christmas lights on and off. He tied it to a link to his website that was plugged into his X10 wireless device.
“Fake Caller” allows you to get out of any uncomfortable meeting (or blind date) by having the person of your choice fake call you showing their name and number on your caller id at a specified time. I had President Elect Obama call me at a client meeting last week and they were so impressed they signed the contract! Good thing they don’t know about this column I write every week.
The John McCain app shows a picture of senator McCain which you poke, prod and shake while he complains vehemently with phrases such as “Stop it! Don’t do that to John McCain, GRRRRR” I had to wipe the tears from my eyes just thinking about how funny this is so I could finish this article.
Another iPhone app that was pulled was the “I am Rich” app that cost $999.99. It did nothing, but it looked good doing it.
“Drink Buddy” lets you know if you’re too drunk to drive by giving you all kinds of math to solve. According to the results of my math tests I am drunk 24 hours a day.
iBlessing lets your iPhone bring up the appropriate blessing you’re supposed to say such as Grace before taking part in a meal. No more embarrassing fumbling for the right words when you’re in front of friends and family at Thanksgiving or Christmas. While everyone’s head is bowed you just need to sneak out your iPhone, find the appropriate icon, click on it, choose the right blessing, and say it as you read it. I’m sure no one will notice, unless of course you’re holding hands while trying to do all that.
There are many more apps with weird names and funny applications that you will have to check out for yourself. If you don’t have an iPhone, don’t be sad. You probably weren’t the cool kid in school anyway, so this is nothing new for you.
Besides, all you have to do is wait a couple years and something else will probably come out that’s even better and we will all laugh at ourselves for being so in love with the iPhone in the first place. I hear Bill Gates isn’t really retired after all, and is inventing a new phone that is twice as hard to use and has to be rebooted every day. It will make billions of dollars, no doubt. I have a suggested name for it: “Vistalicious”. Fergie could sing the commercials and do a video for MTV.
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