I just got back from Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. I was there for a Kaspersky partner conference at the Hard Rock Hotel.
My wife talked me into getting a massage so I can relax. Great idea. I go in and after signing the bill and getting handed paperwork I go to the next station around the corner. She says "who are you" and charges and signs me in again. (Heather can work that out later.) I’m in no mood to argue cause I’m gonna relax.
Next some dude says in Spanglish, go into the sauna and hang out for five minutes. Well no one told me about a bathing suit and I’m walking around in my underpants. I go in the sauna and I see 10 other fat white guys with the same look on their face as I do all in their tighty whities.
Next, dude moves me to another room a few minutes later. He says that this is the ice room. I said I don’t want ice thrown on me. Instead of listening he takes a hose and sprays me with cold water and then he throws ice on me. Then he asks if I have any medical conditions. It doesn't matter at this point even if I do. I’m then left to shiver in the ice room for three more minutes.
Dude then takes me to another steam room. This is ok I think, and then he starts covering me in mud. Red mud. I’m red all over caked in mud. He leaves me there for five minutes. He comes in and I’m like “Dude, I’m caked in mud.” Just before I get the word mud out he sprays me in the face with cold water. Now I think I’m being water boarded. This is going great.
Dude then moves me to get the massage. This strangely goes without incident. At the end she has me sign papers but I’m so groggy I have no idea what I just signed. (Heather can help work that out later.)
I’m also now covered in oil. Head to toe. No offer of a shower. Instead massage lady asks if I would like to swim in the pool or the hot tub? Of course not. I’m in my underpants lady. I walk out and see the same ten white guys all with that same look on their face in the hot tub in their underpants.
Now everyone is standing around waiting for a tip. Well, dude certainly isn't getting one, and massage lady may have just gotten signed over my house and our business. Won’t know until I see the bill.
Plus, they all stand around while they watch me give a rating for the service. Nothing anonymous about this. I write "Excellent" because I am too miserable to explain why I am unhappy and I want to go home. I see everyone else on the page did the same thing as me.
Now I have to walk back to my hotel room covered in oil with my clothes on and wearing wet underpants.
I don’t know if I can take any more relaxation.